Fountainhead

All the feelings in the world can’t extract the poisonous seed that I’ve been diligently working to remove. I dig and dig, excavate my organs and still you remain. I know you are not me, but yet you hold my story. I know that the venom that oozes from my lips is a whisper of your pain and every time I look into the mirror I see your face. I’ve driven thousands of miles to escape you, but late at night you are on my pillow and you infiltrate my dreams. I want to be free of you. I want my shackles removed.

Layer by layer, I unravel my tapestry of confusion. Memories come like a fog and I am left picking up the pieces in dark. My heart is budding and the petals are rotten. My brain is an electrical mayhem and my thoughts lack substance. My skin burns with entrapment and I can only weep through my pours. How is this body mine when you have been living rent free for decades? It’s time to move out. It’s time to dislodge.

You were never there. You were never here. You were never home. I don’t even know you. You don’t even know you. What a shell you inhabit for being a ghost. You used me up and then threw me away with your beer cans. You ate my light. You devoured my dreams and left me dirt. You pumped me full of chemicals and told me they were gifts. The only joy I have is the thought of you powdered, dusted into microscopic bits blown away by the wind. I want you never to return. I want to never remember you. I want white death to annihilate you from my recognition. Rat poison would due just fine.

I desire connection. I yearn for my body to relax like a fresh stream. I want to feel the sun and smile at the bees. I want to see my own eyes. I want to know home. I’m busting at the seams. Nothing feels solid. Everything spins. When I said goodbye I meant forever.

This is the last time I shall correspond. Hear my words. You are down in the ground, in the earth, laid to rest, gone to sleep. I step forward with concord. I am the only part of me. I come from myself. I am all that ever was and I’m removing my veil to seraphim.